JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
