I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
