She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
