I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
