I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It's rum buckets o'clock
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
