I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
