Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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