wakey wakey hands off snakey
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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