i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
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I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
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Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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