sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
