Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
