Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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