Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
