I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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