i already hear my dad disowning me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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