I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
