I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I stole a fireplace last night.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
