I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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