Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
