sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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