i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
