haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
