Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
