hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Randomize
