I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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