1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
