I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
