Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
