Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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