he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
