I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
