Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
