TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
COCAINE IS GR8
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
