Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
