he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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