Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
