wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there