I'm an idiot
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me