Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
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Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
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Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.