I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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