It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
In other news, I just burned my penis
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
