Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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