I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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