We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
