I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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