I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
