so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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