she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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