My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
