I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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