We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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