Sponge bath it is.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
