Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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