I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
