So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
