Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
