This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
dude. I can hear the air.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
