there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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