Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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