she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
this hospital has no fireball
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