When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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